Jai Guru Deva Om

I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me but i need to STOP feeling responsible whenever other people are unhappy or frustrated or fail to fulfil their aims. I need to get my shit sorted before i attempt to help anybody else fix their own. I am 18 and i’m wasting my life feeling unhappy because my greatest worry is to make other people happy and satisfied and to not let anybody down.

Example no1: BOYS.
I’ve only ever loved one guy so far. And i must admit it was the most failed relationship i’ve ever been in. All the rest, i just chose to be with them because “they were really nice guys who were very good to me and didn’t deserve rejection”. And i broke up with them for the same reason, they were “really nice guys who deserved someone to love them”. And i didn’t.
Also, i’ve never had meaningful sex. That sounds dumb, i know, but so far i’ve only been with guys who meant nothing to me. I was literally just doing it because i felt like i had to. If this isn’t just WRONG i don’t know what is…

Example no2: MY BEST FRIEND.
My best friend is mentally ill and on medication for it. She requires me by her side a lot. For 3 and a half years straight i was there and gave her everything i could, never expecting anything in return. However, she completely flipped in February and started doing things i literally could not justify anymore. So i distanced myself. For two months i was in peace. I was constantly worried about her, but i no longer felt responsible for her smoking or for the cuts on her wrists. When she came to my doorstep demanding we talked i cracked, i couldn’t send her away. But when she called me last night telling me all the horrible things that she felt, this terrible feeling overwhelmed me. Its not my fault she has a chemical unbalance in her brain and that she wants to kill herself but i can’t help feeling that somehow, i did this to her. I cant imagine how, but its a feeling i cant push away.

Example 3: DANCING.
At dancing all i ever hear is YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. I am not fat but for a dancer i am overweight. Every other girl in my dance class wears a size XS and i’m a M. I watch my weight like a maniac and have struggled with eating disorders throughout my life- the first one being when i was 12 and the most recent one being when i was 16. Even now i try to just eat salads and chicken and fish and to only eat twice a day but its hard and i’m hungry all the time and i just want to eat that damn box of double chocolate chip cookies. My grandpa says its crazy that i listen to her because my iron levels are low and i faint all the time- he’d know, he’s a doctor- but can i do any differently?

Example 4: PARENTS.
This hasn’t gone to such a large extent as the examples listed above, hence its a secondary factor for my current mental breakdown. Having that been said, my parents have exerted such a large amount of pressure on me that i feel like i’ve exploded internally. I only let them down once- when my AS grades came out and i did not get As for all five subjects i sat but i actually only got 1 A and the rest were Bs (ok i got a C in Chemistry boohoo). They literally made me feel such shit about myself that i made it my goal this year to excel in everything at school. I am continuing with 3 A level subjects but i at least feel good about myself. I feel confident again. I’d just really like it if my parents asked me how i am every once in a while except just tell me that “we need As, you need to push it!”

As you might have realised i have ruined a lot of aspects of myself like my self esteem and my health for other people. That’s why i decided i want to turn into this self centred, self absorbed, ego driven bitch that only cares about her well being and nothing more. This ultimately means that i will find myself and focus on whether some people are worth listening to and/or talking to and grow the balls to tell some people to just fuck the fuck off.